one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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