Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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