I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
