sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
