1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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