How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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