She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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