He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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