Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
