Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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