Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
