I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
