I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
