During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
