Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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