Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
