yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
