Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
