I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
