the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
