My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize