Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
