I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
