Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
