OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
