Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
