my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
