I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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