His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
