He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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