Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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