I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
