Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
