I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
