I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
