I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Porn is love you can see.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
