Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
