it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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