cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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