i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
