So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
