The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
