Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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