I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
