I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
