My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
