Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
