4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
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She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
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id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.