Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.