I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
23 Medical Examiners Reveal The Most Disturbing Causes Of Death They’ve Seen
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.