If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Holy shit dude........stairs
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