Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
