the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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