I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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