2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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