She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
